pop tarts are not kleenex
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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