he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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