Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
