Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
