i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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