I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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