omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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