I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
