what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
