I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
