At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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