i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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