im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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