mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
