I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
