We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
