Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
