my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
