She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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