I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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