Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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