Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
