So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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