between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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