So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
