why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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