I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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