Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
