break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
