I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
