I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
