Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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