i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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