So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
