I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
