WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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