3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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