We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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