I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
