sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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