she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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