Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
