So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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