I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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