god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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