Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
