Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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