God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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