when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
