oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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