Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
