So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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