It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
