Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
