I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize