you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
