I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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