I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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