there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
