Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
