Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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