There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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