Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
