Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize